Sometimes we are holding onto something that we think we can keep hidden until we die but we may not realize that it can have an effect on us, on our behavior. Holding a secret can keep us stuck.
One of my favorite quotes is from the book Alcoholics Anonymous “There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.”
Even when I heard those words and although I felt some relief, I kept a secret (or so I thought) even after I stopped drinking and was in recovery.
Having a mental illness; being a multiple was my secret and it affected my relationships with people, employment and my sanity.
I thought I was an honest person, because I didn’t steal pencils from work and if someone gave me too much change I gave it back. But I didn’t realize that I was not being honest with myself; accepting all of me.
I couldn’t figure out why I continued to be anxious, depressed and irritable at times. I couldn’t sit still and I felt angry whenever someone suggested meditation or yoga. I was unable to stop moving but underneath the constant running, I was afraid to admit I had a secret.
Life had become noticeably better when I got sober, appearing to be relatively calm on the outside but on the inside, there was still turmoil. Medication, going back to drinking or suicide was not the answer for me. I finally had to get honest with myself, that I had multiple parts of me that I had been ignoring; aspects of my personality that had the answers.
What a relief to admit and accept that I had DID and it was not a death sentence or a punishment. And even better, when I told the people close to me, I found out that not only did they already know, they were amazingly supportive and encouraging.
So this is a gentle reminder, if continuing to just try harder to figure things out isn’t working, “…there may be a part of ourselves that has the answer to what is keeping us stuck.” P. 2 Just Say “Hi” to Amazing Parts of Yourself
So, what’s your secret?
A part of you may know the answer…